


Apologies

by Darkestsiren



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Confessions, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunions, clearly not how the show went, it's just a little thing i was playing with in my head, this takes place before the finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 10:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19207906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkestsiren/pseuds/Darkestsiren
Summary: Magnus has a decision to make, but he doesn't have all the information yet. Not until Alec shows up and changes everything. Again.





	Apologies

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place right before the finale. It's just a little thing I thought up.

Magnus looked up. The sky was dark, the swarm of demons blotting out the sun. Shadowhunters, he thought savagely. A wholly irredeemable bunch. With a few notable exceptions, he admitted grudgingly.  
He’d thought Alexander was one of those exceptions. That he had grown beyond the narrow thinking of the Clave. That he could be trusted. Magnus had let himself trust Alec, had needed it, and now look at him. Lost in a darkness that had nothing to do with the attacking demons and everything to do with the deep well of self hatred he’d been trying to ignore for the better part of four centuries. It never went away, no matter how far down he pushed it, no matter what manner of debauchery he tried. He wasn’t worth loving.  
Maybe he should have joined his father after all, helped him hatch his insane plan of earthly domination, become of prince of hell himself. Though, really, what was the point? It’s not like his father actually loved him, and what fun would world domination be without someone to share the spoils with?  
A shout shook Magnus from his thoughts. Jace, that sanctimonious moron, was fighting off two flying… things, with long scorpion’s tails, yelling at him to close the rift. Alec was beside him, his jaw clenched harder than usual, even given the absurd circumstances. His arrows flew, one after the other, almost faster than Magnus could track. Not that he was watching.   
He closed his eyes. He had been watching, and it had hurt. Alec looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his eyes shadowed, his face strained. Magnus hated that he knew him so well, that he could see past the veneer of authority to the boy inside, barely holding himself together.   
So then, why had he done it, Magnus asked himself.   
Asmodeus appeared from the smoke and flame eating up the atmosphere above New York City, brandishing a black sword and an evil grin.   
“Now is your moment, my son,” he boomed. “Set aside our differences and seize your destiny!”  
“Magnus!” Alexander’s voice. He was running. “Wait, please! This isn’t you. I know it isn’t!”  
Magnus turned to glare at Alec as he stumbled to stop a few feet away. His chest heaved.  
“Magnus,” Alec panted. His face was smeared with ash, his hair standing up as though he’d run his hands through it repeatedly. He probably had. “I know you. You don’t want this for the world, I know it. Help us stop him.”  
Magnus lowered his hands, his eyes following their trajectory until they rested on Alec’s boots. He knew he should say something, yell or cry or simply give Alec his signature, unconcerned smirk. He didn’t. He couldn’t. His heart pulsed, the ache spreading through his body. You didn’t want me.  
“I’m sorry,” Alec said, softer.   
Magnus flinched. “Don’t.”  
“I have to, Magnus,” Alec said. “I hurt you, more than I realized I would, and I’m sorry. I did what I did for a good reason but… I wish I hadn’t done it at all. I never wanted to hurt you.”  
“Enough of this mortal,” Asmodeus called down. “He has cast you aside.”  
“This is all your fault, Demon!” Alec shouted, summoning an arrow.   
Magnus stayed his hand before he could shoot, blue flames wrapping around Alec’s wrists. Startled, Alec looked at Magnus, wide dark eyes shining with fear and hurt. Magnus closed his eyes, dropped his hands. He was tired. So, so tired.   
“Yes, it is,” Asmodeus smiled, preening. “I orchestrated all of this. Perfection, isn’t it?”  
Magnus looked up at Asmodeus. He hated his father, that was a given, but something in his tone made Magnus think he wasn’t just talking about the rift.  
“Magnus, look at me,” Alec begged.   
He couldn’t seem to stop himself from obeying and Magnus signed at himself. Still in his snare, I see, he chastised himself.  
“I love you.”  
It felt like being stabbed. Like a vortex was being opened up in his chest. Magnus couldn’t breathe.   
“I’ve always loved you. I never stopped. How could I? You’re a part of me.” Alec took another step forward, reaching out, but Magnus stepped back, hating the way he shied away from Alec like a hurt animal. “You were so unhappy without your magic, Magnus. And I’m the reason you lost it. I couldn’t do nothing.” He bowed his head, guilt clear in the slump of his shoulders. “I went to Asmodeus and made a deal. You would get your magic back, if I ended things between us.”  
“What?” Magnus breathed.   
“That’s the only reason, I swear.”  
“You broke my heart to get my magic back?” Magnus asked, incredulous. “Why? What would I want with it without you to—” Magnus bit his lip, fighting tears.   
“Magnus, I’m sorry,” Alec said. His voice was shaking. “I’m so sorry.” His knees hit the dirt between them with a thump.   
Magnus didn’t let himself look. He didn’t want to see Alec on his knees.   
“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. But I could never not love you, magic or not. There’s no special, magical spark that I fell in love with. I fell in love with you!” Alec was crying, the tears making his voice thick and uneven. Magnus finally let himself look, though he immediately wished he hadn’t. Seeing Alexander suffer wasn’t a pleasant sight. “I fell in love with who you are, not what you can do.”  
“Tell me, Alexander,” Magnus said, barely managing to sound aloof. “Who is it you think I am?”  
Alexander smiled up at him, love shining in his eyes. “You are Magnus Bane. You’re kind, and thoughtful, and beautiful. You’re generous, loving, selfless. You’re creative and sassy and fun and adventurous and you love the opera and you’ve sworn off trains. You’re insecure, afraid to let people get too close because you’ve been hurt so many, many times,” Alec swallowed and took a breath, steadying himself. He was still crying but his voice was firm as he spoke, committed. “You’re so smart, Magnus,” he went on. “And determined, and focused.” Alec grinned. “You’re opulent and indulgent, and flamboyant. You love good food, good wine, and good sex, but you love spending a quiet morning cuddling in bed even more, and the sparkle in your eyes when you can’t wait to show me your newest fashion inspiration takes my breath away. You take my breath away.”  
Magnus swallowed around the rock that was lodged in his throat. His face was wet, he realized, and decided he didn’t care. He liked hearing such nice things about himself.   
“When it’s important,” Alec continued, turning serious, “you always do the right thing, no matter what it costs you, no matter how much it hurts.” His eyes took on a fierce, protective glow, the same look that Magnus had first fallen in love with. “You think less of yourself than you should, and you hate it when others see that, so you cover it up with wit and jokes and glitter and rings, but I see it, Magnus, and, fuck, I love you so much. I know you’re terrified of losing the people you love, and I know I broke your trust, but please, please. Let me earn it back.”  
Magnus turned his face away, trying to breathe. He wiped the tears from his face, saw Catarina and Jace and Clary and some of the others fighting off the swarm of demons and trying to close the rift. They felt very far away.  
“I thought,” Alex began again. “I didn’t know— Fuck. Magnus, Nephilim are slow to love, but when we do it’s for life. I swear to you, I’ll never hurt you again. You are the only one for me, Magnus. You’re my everything.”  
Magnus went weak. He couldn’t keep holding himself up, holding himself back. He swayed on his feet and almost fell, but his shadowhunter was there, worried eyes locked on his, strong arms around his waist.   
“Forgive me,” Alec whispered. He pressed their foreheads together. “I didn’t understand before. But I do now, I get it. I get it.”  
“Alexander,” Magnus whimpered. He found Alec’s lips and kissed him, deep and slow. It was like sunlight on a rainy day, warming his veins and soothing all the ravaged, ruined places inside him.  
“Marry me, Magnus,” Alec said, tipping his head against Magnus’s. “I was going to ask you that night on the balcony, at that dinner I planned. I want you with me everyday, forever.”  
Magnus shook his head, a lush, confused warmth spreading through him. No one had ever wanted to marry him before. There was a ravening screech overhead and Magnus shot the sky a dark glare. He flung his hand out in the direction of the rift, pulling energy from Alexander, and closed the rift, forcing Asmodeus and most of the remaining demons through the tear in the world just before it sealed itself together. The whole world quaked in the aftermath.  
Alexander laughed, happily turning his face into Magnus’s neck and pulling him into his body. “I love you.”  
Magnus smiled, watching the sky clear. The shadowhunters were approaching the demons still lingering nearby. They wouldn’t pose much of a threat. “I love you too, Alexander.”  
“So, what do you think? Want to get married?”  
Magnus deflated in Alec’s arms. “More than anything. But, we can’t. The Clave doesn’t allow it’s shadowhunters to wed downworlders.”  
“I don’t care what they say.”  
Magnus shrugged out of Alec’s embrace regretfully. “What will you do? Get your runes stripped? Live as a mundane with your warlock husband?”   
“Yes.”  
He said it so simply, with such conviction, that Magnus almost relented then and there. He shook his head. “No. You can’t do that any more than I can live without my magic.” He touched the Block rune on Alec’s neck, tracing it’s lines reverently. “It’s a part of who you are.”  
“So, you won’t marry me until we can do it with the Clave’s blessing?” Alexander asked, his mouth turning down.   
Magnus nodded. “And as soon as that happens, I will be waiting at any altar you choose.”  
Alec breathed in relief and leaned to kiss him again. Magnus let himself get lost in it. He’d missed this, his Alexander warm and secure against his body, his warm mouth like an offering, love swirling between them. Chaos still raged around them but Magnus no longer cared. He knew Asmodeus had manipulated Alec, just as he’d manipulated Magnus himself. Alec had sacrificed the one love he would ever have because he thought Magnus needed his magic more than he needed him.   
It was true in a way; and it wasn’t. Magnus had only lived without magic for a few weeks and it had been awful, like a part of his being, his soul, had been ripped away from him. He’d lived without Alexander for a mere three days and he’d wanted to die the entire time, the pain so bad at times that he’d doubled over in agony, holding his breath until it passed. He shuddered at what eventually losing Alec would mean for him, but he pushed that aside. He would deal with it when it happened. For now, he just wanted to hold Alec and treasure every moment they had.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked!


End file.
